Kim E Barlow

I was startled around 2 AM one morning when the phone rang. I was awake at this time of day because it was nothing for a meth-head like me, to be up for several days at a time. Yet, I had rules which all my buyers of meth observed---no phone calls after 10 PM. Doing this kind of business late at night or early morning was an invitation to be caught.
My caller ID stated it was from one of my regular buyers named Joe. I answered and Joe blurted out, “Barlow, I’m desperate, and I need to purchase some stuff right now!”
“Sorry man. I don’t have any right now and I’m waiting for my guy to call me when he gets his supply,” I said.
Like a crazed man, Joe yelled into the phone, “You’re a liar, Barlow, and I’m on my way to your house and you better be ready.” I repeatedly told Joe I was out and I wasn’t lying. “Yes, you are,” he screamed, and I’m on my way to your house and I am going to kill you when I get there!”
Joe’s voice kept ramping up louder and louder. He sounded out of his mind. It had been a few hours since I had consumed any, and the effects of no meth were settling in on me. Was this my day to die?
The reality was kicking in wondering what I was going to do if this big burly man came crashing my door down? Survival mode kicked in, and I went to my closet to retrieve my 12-gauge shotgun. I loaded the shells, pushing them into the magazine. I returned to the living room and sat at my desk about twenty feet from the door trembling with fear by adjusting what I was to do before daybreak. I kept one hand on the barrel as I waited for what seemed like an eternity. Sadly, I wasn’t thinking twice about killing a man, not reasoning how it would ruin my life forever.
As I waited, I kept visualizing Joe bounding through the door, coming towards me like a raging lion, ready to attack his prey. My hope would be when he heard the familiar “shick-shick” from the shotgun and he saw the gun, it would be enough for him to turn around and leave. If not, I was prepared to shoot this man---my friend, Joe.
I am the youngest of four boys raised in a friendly Christian home in Amarillo. Even in the right Christian family, a person can be tempted by the evil one. However, through God’s undeserving grace, He can and will save a sinner like me.
My meth addiction started after I met and married a woman, we will call Nancy in 1990. Three months into our marriage we decided to host a Saturday cookout at our home. We invited her two sisters and their husbands. Nancy’s family had accepted me as one of their own.
Nancy and I offered alcohol, snacks, and food. Around midnight I had consumed several whiskey and coke cocktails lowering my inhibitions making me feel no pain. We were all gathering in the dining room when I saw my two brothers-in-law opening the door leading to the closed garage where they had been for a few minutes. One of them opened the door and said, “Hey Barlow. Come out here a minute. We want to show you something.”
They led me to my car where I saw two lines of a whitish- amber powder on the shiny hood. Handing me a straw one of them said, “Here you go Barlow, sniff this in your nose.” I wanted to fit in, so my mind cautioned me not to give my new family members reasons not to like me.
My gut feeling said it wasn’t something good and I wanted nothing to do with it. They stood there shaking their heads like they couldn’t believe I wasn’t anxious to join them. The more I resisted, the more the peer pressure thickened.
Come on man. It isn’t going to hurt you. We do it all the time. It’s just speed and you may not even feel it. With the combination of alcohol and the seemingly powerless pressure on me, I thought, “Maybe it won’t hurt me. Do it, and it will get them off my back.”
As I sucked the powder into my nose, the powder burned the inside of my nostril like it was jalapeno powder. Tears began to run down my cheek and the burning lasted almost 45 seconds.
The powder I had snorted had many street names, crank, ice, speed, or crystal. These are all methamphetamine, often referred to as “The devil's drug, because, for most, it hooks the user from the very first time, and the addiction can be impossible to overcome.
In the beginning, I started using only on the weekends, but after a couple of days passing, my mind was telling me I needed more. Soon, I was asking my brothers-in-law where I could buy some meth. Getting hooked up with a dealer enabled me to buy larger quantities of meth-making it easier for me to do more. Smoking meth every day now became a part of my life.
Fast forward to 1998, hooked on meth for ten years, Nancy and I eventually divorced and went our separate ways. My world was spiraling downward fast.
Ten years later in 2008, meth had me hooked for eighteen-years. My life was spiraling out of control. Paranoia erupted, and I was beginning to feel like I was one second away from the police busting through my door to arrest me. I was selling meth to cover my now one-hundred dollar-a-day habit.
The day that changed my life forever is vivid. I am so thankful God is a God of second chances. Around 3 am one morning in 2008, I checked my email. My brother Larry had sent me an email with a link to a “YouTube” video called “Cardboard Testimonies.”
In this video, I watched men and women, one by one, come onto the stage of a church. Each person holding a piece of cardboard in front of them. In bold letters, a black marker scribbled words on the front and the back of the cardboard.
As I intently watched the video, a beautiful girl walked onto the stage. She clasped her cardboard sign in front of her chest. On one side it read, “Was addicted to meth,” and she turned it over and it read, “Now addicted to Him.”
The moment I read her cardboard box, I could feel something strange happening to me. A chill followed by a shiver ran down my spine. I must have watched it ten or more times, tears streaming down my cheeks the whole time. In the stillness of my soul, God was trying to tell me something important, and I was finally ready to listen. I recognized Jesus held me in His loving arms and spoke to my heart saying, “Kim, this is enough.” “It is over, and I will take you out of this.”
My brother Larry had been trying to get me to come to this very church where the Cardboard Testimony video was made for many years. But Satan kept me away telling me, “You don’t want to go to church! Besides, they don’t want a meth-head in church!” I couldn’t wait to call Larry the next morning to find out where to meet him for church the next Sunday.
The next step was to kick Satan behind me in Jesus’ name. I cried out to God, “Lord, I admit I am not strong enough to get over this on my own, but I know with you, Lord, I can get through this.”
The next morning, I gathered several thousand dollars worth of meth and paraphernalia and put them into a box, and off to the dumpster they went. Like a miniature coffin, I wanted to bury my past. It took a tremendous amount of determination to carry this box to the dumpster, but I knew I had to be all-in for Jesus. I kept hearing God’s voice telling me repeatedly, “You can do this Kim,” and I am right here with you.
The next Sunday, being at church with my brother made me know the Lord had me right where I needed to be. I rededicated my life to Jesus because Jesus was giving me a new lease on life, a second chance, and a feeling of hope.
And what about Joe? He was on his way to kill me that morning. I didn’t know he had pulled into my driveway and got out of his car. He began to walk up to the gate about twenty feet from my front door. Each step toward the gate became slower the nearer he came. It was the still of the morning as Joe made his way toward my gate-latch. As he reached for it, I was inside my house with my shotgun loaded and ready.
When Joe reached out to touch the latch, he later told me something warned him, “Don’t do it.” He then turned around and left. I sat in anticipation, wondering if Joe was coming to my home, or not. Even in Joes’ drug-induced state-of-mind, I thank God Joe listened to the hint in his ear that early morning.
Joe eventually went to rehab, is drug-free, and is on fire for the Lord. He is now my accountability partner, as I am his, and he is my best friend. Our strong spiritual bond now is closer than any blood-brothers could experience. Every time we meet and start talking, we almost always shed a tear.
To think the Lord loved two ole’ wretches like us, from the horrible times, crippled by meth, and put us where we are now, is pretty amazing. We say to each other we couldn’t have planned this if we tried!
To think? I thought meth was the most excellent high anyone could experience, but I can speak to you about a high like none other. It is the high you can experience, with Jesus Christ.
Thank God, He redeems our failures and uses them for His glory. The things you remember with shame, now become examples of God’s amazing grace and power to change lives. and this is available for you too.